Act Two – Scene One



At the end of the number the GUARDIAN OF CLOUDLAND enters.

GUARDIAN    Enough of this happy clappy nonsense!  Can’t you see we have work to do?  Blunderbore has been in charge up here for too long, it’s time for a new leader to take charge.

CHORUS        You mean you?

CHORUS        Oh chill out.

CHORUS        Yeah just relax a bit.

GUARDIAN    Chill out?  Relax?  I am the Guardian of Cloudland and it is my job to protect this place from all evil.  I can’t do that while Blunderbore is wreaking havoc.  I must come up with a plan to stop him.

CHORUS        Why don’t you just ask him to move on?

GUARDIAN    Ask him?  Ask him?  That monster won’t listen to reason.  No I need a plan and it looks like I’m going to have to do it on my own! You lot are useless.

CHORUS        Charming!

JACK enters as if from the top of the beanstalk.  All on stage stare at him.

JACK              What a climb!  I thought I’d never get to the top.  But where am I? And who are you?

GUARDIAN    This is Cloudland, I am its Guardian and these are its residents.  But more importantly, who are you?  And how did you get up here?

JACK              My name is Jack Trott and I climbed all the way up a magic beanstalk to get here.  What a lovely home you have. You’re very lucky to live in a place like this.

GUARDIAN    We were lucky.

JACK              What do you mean?

GUARDIAN    We were doing just fine until the giant came.

JACK              You mean Blunderbore?

GUARDIAN    Do you know him?

JACK              No but that’s who I’ve come up here to find.  He’s stolen all of our belongings, our cow and now Jill.  He’s ruined the lives of the people in our village and it’s my job to stop him.  Is that where he lives? (points to castle)

GUARDIAN    Yes, he made us build that castle for him.

JACK              It’s beautiful.  Do you have to do everything the giant says?

GUARDIAN    If we want a quiet life then yes we do but I’ve had enough.  It’s time that someone stood up to him.

JACK              If you help me find him then I will do all I can to stop him and restore peace here.

GUARDIAN    I will happily escort you to the gates of the castle Jack.  We aren’t allowed to go any further but while you are outside the gates I promise we will protect you.

JACK              Right then, lead the way.

MUSIC CUE  12 (Reprise)

At the end of the number the GUARDIAN leads JACK off and the CHORUS follow excited.  SCARY MARY enters.

MARY             Ooh what a day.  That giant has had me running round in circles trying to keep that belly of his full!  He just doesn’t stop eating! Do you know for breakfast today he ate 76 eggs, 689 soldiers, 126 rashers of bacon, 92 sausages and swilled it down with 43 cups of tea and 14 cartons of orange juice.  He eats so much that when restaurants see him coming they take down the ‘all you can eat sign’.  Oh I am so rude for not introducing myself.  My name is Mary but most people call me Scary Mary.  I don’t really know why but I think it’s because I get really enthusiastic about things and when I do I just keep talking and talking and then I start to use my hands and then they just keep going and going and then I talk faster and my hands go faster and then my voice goes higher and my hands go higher and then…well you get the drift.  I’m Blunderbore’s cook and housekeeper.  He brought me here years ago.  I used to live with my sister but the giant took me from her.  I know it won’t last forever though so I’ll just keep my fingers crossed that a hero will come and save me or the giant will get so sick of my bad cooking that he’ll send me back.  Wishful thinking eh?

There is a commotion offstage.  DOTTY, SIMON, BETTY and the SQUIRE enter.

DOTTY           Here’s Trotty!

AUDIENCE    She’s dotty.

SIMON            Hiya kids!

AUDIENCE    Hiya Simon.

DOTTY           Ooh I’m exhaustipated!

SIMON            What a climb.

BETTY           I still don’t really understand why we came up here?

DOTTY           Well I couldn’t sit round all day while my little boy was up here all on his own.

SIMON            And I couldn’t let her climb up here on her own.

SQUIRE          And there was no way I was unleashing these two (indicates DOTTY and SIMON) on Blunderbore.  Goodness knows what mess we’d end up in.

DOTTY           Oh look we’re so far above the earth that I can see the moon.

SQUIRE          Yes I hear they’re sending a space shuttle up to photograph the other side of you.

MARY             Er sorry to interrupt but who are you?

SIMON            What are you doing here?

SQUIRE          How did you get up here before us?

BETTY           I told you she was magic!  But you wouldn’t believe me.

MARY             What are you talking about?  I’ve lived up here for years!

DOTTY           But we saw you back in the village just before we set off.  You gave my Jack a sword and then muttered some gubbins about adventures and stuff.

MARY             No you’ve lost me.

SQUIRE          You mean you’re not Airy Fairy?

MARY             No I’m Scary Mary.

BETTY           You’re Airy Fairy’s sister!

SIMON            The one she’s always banging on about.

MARY             You know my sister?

DOTTY           Yes she’s the village crazy lady. Always going on about magic.  She’s very strange. I mean who believes in magic?

MARY             So how did you get up here?

SQUIRE          A magic beanstalk grew outside their farm and we climbed up it.

MARY             A magic beanstalk?

SIMON            Yes.

MARY             I thought you said you don’t believe in magic.

BETTY           I do!

DOTTY           You would.

SQUIRE          You don’t think Airy Fairy grew that beanstalk do you?

MARY             Well done Einstein!

DOTTY           So now we’re all hacquainted would you help us find Jack?

MARY             If he’s come to fight the giant then he’s probably on his way to the castle.  Walk this way.

They all exit following SCARY MARY who does numerous funny walks that they all copy.

FLESHCREEP enters with GRABBIT and LEGGIT who have JILL.

JILL                 Get off me you brutes.

F’CREEP        Quite the feisty one, aren’t we my dear?

GRABBIT       Where do you want her boss?

F’CREEP        Hmmm, Blunderbore can’t decide whether to eat her or marry her.

JILL                 Never!  I’d rather die before marry him.

F’CREEP        Well that can be arranged. What you need to realise Jill is that this is Blunderbore’s kingdom and everyone here loves him.  (to AUDIENCE) You love Blunderbore don’t you?  Oh yes you do…. Oh shut up, I poisoned your fruit shoots. Take her to the castle and lock her up in the cage in the kitchen.  Maybe we can use her as bait to trap Jack as well.

JILL                 Jack will save me…just you watch.

F’CREEP        Oh it’s so sweet the trust you have in him, it makes me sick.  Men, take her away.

G & L             Yes sir.

GRABBIT and LEGGIT exit with a struggling JILL.

F’CREEP        Jack may think that he can stop me, but nobody can!  Together Blunderbore and I will take over the whole world and not one of you can stop us.



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