Act One – Scene Three



At the end of the number DOTTY enters with a sweeping brush.

DOTTY           (to the tune of ‘Don’t cry for me’) Don’t cry for me, I’m a cleaner!  Here’s Trotty!

AUDIENCE    She’s Dotty.

SIMON enters with DAISY.  SIMON is carrying a milking stool and a metal bucket.

SIMON            Hiya kids!

AUDIENCE    Hiya Simon!

DOTTY           Oh look it’s my walking milk machine.  Just in time.  Here Simon, give me that stool.

SIMON            Why do milking stools only have three legs?

DOTTY           Because the cow has the udder.  Now we put the bucket under there and the stool at the tradesman’s entrance and sit down.

DAISY sits down.

                        No not you sit down. Me sit down!!  Let’s try again.

DOTTY moves the stool again and sits down.  As she goes to milk DAISY she moves away.  Each time DAISY moves DOTTY moves the stool a bit closer until DAISY is squashing SIMON against the scenery.

SIMON            Help!!

DOTTY           Ooh Daisy you are being a naughty girl today.  Now come here and do this properly or you’ll be sent off to that place.

DAISY trembles.

                        Yes, you know where I mean.  Now are you sorry?

DAISY nods and kisses her.

That’s better we’re friends again now.

DOTTY positions the milking stool and sits down.  She starts to milk.  As soon as DOTTY touches her udders she concertinas.

                        What is the matter now?

SIMON            Did you forget to warm your hands again?

DOTTY           Oh yes I’m sorry Daisy.

DOTTY warms her hands and goes to milk again.  As she does there is a ‘freeze’ and AIRY FAIRY enters.

FAIRY             Just a little bit of magic to help them on their way
I’ll make sure that the Trotts are alright come what may
If Daisy becomes a prize-winner their money troubles will be done
And then we can go back to a time where all we had was fun
Maybe if I can convince them that there’s magic in my heart
They’ll help me get my sister back. Oh well, it’s a start!

AIRY FAIRY waves her wand and exits.  The scene ‘unfreezes’.

DOTTY           Ooh I came over all unnecessary.  Right then girl here goes.

DOTTY starts to milk DAISY and a bottle of milk appears.

                        Well done old girl!  And look at that…it’s gold top!

SIMON            Give it here mum.

DOTTY           (gives SIMON the milk) There you are, homogenised, pulverised and (whisks bottle past her face) past-your-eyes. Let’s try that again.

She milks DAISY again and a carton of milk appears.

                        Oh and a carton too, how very modern.

SIMON            Do you think she could make a milkshake?

DOTTY           Maybe if we gave her a pogo stick first.  Well done old girl, this will fetch us a bob or two at the market.

FLESHCREEP enters.  As he does DAISY runs off.

                        What do you want, frightening my Daisy like that?

F’CREEP        Master has run out of milk for his cornflakes.  So I thought I’d pop down and pick up a pint from Tesco Express but it seems I can just take yours.

SIMON            You stay away from Daisy’s milk or I’ll, I’ll, I’ll….


F’CREEP        You’ll what?

SIMON            I’ll, I’ll (runs behind DOTTY) I’ll set my mum on you.

F’CREEP        (picks up the milk) Thanks for this.  Must be off. Toodle-oo.

DOTTY           You need to pay for that.

F’CREEP        I’ll have it on account.

DOTTY           On account of what?

F’CREEP        On account of I am the powerful Fleshcreep and I’ll take what I want.

FLESHCREEP exits laughing.

DOTTY           (shouting after him) You won’t get away with this.

GIANT            (offstage) Fee, fi, fo, fum

What Fleshcreep says will be done!

DOTTY           (shaking her fist to the sky) And neither will you!  Oh Simon what are we going to do?

JACK enters.

JACK              What’s for tea, Mum? I’m starving.

DOTTY           What’s for tea? I knew it. You only ever put in an appearance when you’re hungry. I suppose you’ve spent the day sleeping as usual.

JACK              I have not! If you must know I’ve been very busy all day ‘thinking’.

DOTTY           Oh yes? And what did you think about?

JACK              Well there were these sheep jumping over fences and …

DOTTY           I thought so. You’ve been asleep. Why you have to lie to your poor old mother when I have enough troubles already I really don’t know.

SIMON            Troubles? What troubles?

DOTTY           Bills, Simon. Bills (she flaps a handful of papers at him) The trouble is these are big enough to be Williams.

SIMON            Why doesn’t William pay them then?

DOTTY           What? (to AUDIENCE) Oh bless him … The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead, if you know what I mean?

SIMON            Eh?.

Have you ever wondered why I keep patching your jacket? Why it is that I don’t simply buy you a new one?

SIMON            ’Cause the village shop’s closed down?

DOTTY           Nope. Good guess though. Try again

SIMON            Cause we live too far from town and there’s only one bus a week?

DOTTY           No. Although, that is true, of course.

SIMON            Why do you keep patching my jacket then?

DOTTY           It’s because we’ve no money that’s why. We’re skint, flat broke, washed up, and on the very bones of our …

JACK              Mother!

DOTTY           Bottoms. I was going to say bottoms. We’re poor!

SIMON            I didn’t realise we were so poor?

DOTTY           Well I’m afraid we are. Things are so bad if I saw a church mouse go past the house I’d mug him.

SIMON            Why are we poor?

DOTTY           I told you it’s the bills. (assuming a pose) ‘The bills. The bills. They made me deaf, you know.’

JACK              What?

DOTTY           It’s my Quasimodo impression. The Hunchback of Notre Dame?

JACK              As opposed to Dottymodo the hunch-front of Birchencliffe.

DOTTY           Very witty, I’ve trained you well. Anyway I don’t know why we’re poor.  It’s the government, probably. All those taxes of theirs.

SIMON            It’s hard to get one of those round here you know.

DOTTY           What? Oh give me strength! Taxes! Taxes! You buffoons. Not (she whistles) Oi! Taxi!

SIMON            Oh.

DOTTY           Look boys, we’ve got to think of something fast. Those bailiffs Grabbit and Leggit will be along for the rent money soon and when they find out that we haven’t got it, they’ll throw us out on the street and then I’ll die of exposure and then they’ll take me to the mortuary and strip me of my dignity.  Oh the shame of it all, my mother will be turning in her gravy.

JACK              The mortician’s in for a quite a shock as well.

DOTTY           Oh boys! What are we going to do? I can’t take any more, really I can’t.

She sobs loudly and blows her nose in JACK’s jacket.

SIMON            Please don’t cry, Mum! This is a pantomime we’re in, you know. I’m sure we’ll end up living happy ever after.

DOTTY           Not only stupid but trusting.  Right you two, go and find Daisy and see if we can’t get some more milk for market and hopefully we can make a bob or two.  Bye everyone!

DOTTY exits into the farmhouse and SIMON and JACK exit to find DAISY.


GRABBIT       This is the place, my boy.

LEGGIT          Daisy Cottage. Seems like a nice place.

GRABBIT       Now listen. This is no time for sentiment. We’ve come here to do a job.

LEGGIT          Are we going to cut the grass for her?

GRABBIT       No we are not.

LEGGIT          I know! We could water her pot plants.

GRABBIT       Listen, we are not here to do any jobs for her. We are rent-collectors. She owes a hundred pounds and you are going to get it from her. Willy nilly.

LEGGIT          Is that her husband?

GRABBIT       Who?

LEGGIT          Willy Nilly. I thought her name was Trott, not Nilly.

GRABBIT       Look, willy nilly is a saying!

LEGGIT          What?

GRABBIT       What do you mean, what?

LEGGIT          What is he saying?

GRABBIT       What is who saying?

LEGGIT          Willy Nilly!

GRABBIT       Willy nilly’s not saying anything!

LEGGIT          He’s changed his mind, has he?

GRABBIT       He has not changed his mind. He never said anything in the first place. He never existed!

LEGGIT          You mean he was a figleaf of your imagination?

GRABBIT       Forget it! Now to make it easier for you to collect the money…

LEGGIT          Hold on. Aren’t you going to collect it? After all, you’re the boss and I’m the apprentice.

GRABBIT       All you have to do is follow instructions. You walk straight up the garden path, knock on the door and when she opens it…

LEGGIT          Yes?

GRABBIT       You look her straight in the eye and say, “Good morning, Madam. I’ve come to collect the rent. You are in arrears.”

LEGGIT          Arrears?

GRABBIT       Yes, arrears.

LEGGIT          What’s wrong with her ears?

GRABBIT       There’s nothing wrong with her ears. It means she’s behind. With the rent.

LEGGIT          What if she won’t pay?

GRABBIT       Don’t take no for an answer. Now off you go. And good luck. (aside) He’ll need it!

GRABBIT hides as LEGGIT goes warily up the garden path, muttering to himself.

LEGGIT          Good morning, Madam. You’re in arrears with your rent and I’ve come to collect.

He keeps repeating it. Then he knocks at the door.

DOTTY           (from inside) Sorry this one’s engaged.

He knocks again.  DOTTY appears.

DOTTY           Here’s Trotty!

AUDIENCE    She’s dotty!

DOTTY           (to LEGGIT) Yes?

LEGGIT          (panicking) Good morning, Madam. I’ve not to take no for an answer. Or yes, for that matter.

DOTTY           I beg your pardon?

LEGGIT          I’m here to collect your ears and you’re behind!

DOTTY           My ears and my behind? (to AUDIENCE) Is he being rude? (to LEGGIT) What about my behind?  That’s a very sensitive area, I’ll have you know.

LEGGIT          It’s your arrears. You’re behind with it!

DOTTY           He is being rude. (she grabs LEGGIT by the collar) You are beginning to bug me, sunshine. Now tell me what – you – want – or – I – will – thump – you – one.

LEGGIT          I’ve come to collect (whispering) the rent.

DOTTY           The what?

LEGGIT          The rent.

DOTTY           (smiling) Oh you must be from the Squire. Any friend of his is a friend of mine. Don’t go away. I’ve got something for you.

She exits into the house.

LEGGIT          Am I going to get something I deserve?

DOTTY           (from inside) Oh yes. Do come in.

LEGGIT goes inside apprehensively.  There is a brief silence, followed by a smashing of crockery. Then LEGGIT comes out, chased by DOTTY who throws a plate, narrowly missing him.

(at the door) And you can tell that Squire he’ll not get a penny from me!  (she slams the door)

GRABBIT       You just wait, Dotty Trott, we’ll be back.

GRABBIT and LEGGIT exit.  JILL and BETTY enter.

BETTY           Dad will go mad if he finds you up here.

JILL                 I’ve told you Betty I don’t care.  Jack is the man for me.  Dad can say what he likes.  Anyway, I’ve only come to see if they’ve managed to sort the rent thing out.

BETTY           Unlikely. I don’t think they’ll be able to get that kind of money in such a short space of time.

JILL                 We’ve got to have faith Betty.  I don’t know what I’d do if Jack were evicted.

JACK and SIMON enter.

SIMON            Hiya kids!

AUDIENCE    Hiya Simon!

BETTY           Hiya Simon.

SIMON            (abruptly) Betty.

JACK              I wish you two would stop messing about.  Betty, do you like Simon?

BETTY           Oh yes.

JACK              And Simon do you like Betty?

SIMON            She’s alright.

JACK              Simon!

SIMON            Well yeah I suppose.

JACK              Right that’s sorted then.  Off you go and get to know each other.

BETTY and SIMON talk excitedly as they begin to exit.

SIMON            Favourite film?

BOTH             Home Alone.

BETTY           Which one?

BOTH             Lost in New York!

SIMON            Favourite food?

BOTH             Pizza!

JACK              (to JILL) See I told you, match made in heaven!

BETTY and SIMON exit.

                        I wish we could have that Jill.

JILL                 We can Jack.

JACK              But I can’t give you what you deserve.  Well not yet anyway.

JILL                 What do you mean?

JACK              One day Jill I’ll give you everything you ever dream of. I just need my break.

JILL                 All I dream of is being with you Jack.


At the end of the number the SQUIRE enters.

SQUIRE          Sorry to interrupt but I’m looking for….Jill!

JILL                 Daddy I….

SQUIRE          We’ll talk about this later, right now I need to find Dotty.  The giant is after me for more money so I need that rent.

DOTTY enters.

DOTTY           Here’s Trotty!

AUDIENCE    She’s dotty!

DOTTY           Did someone speaketh my name?

SQUIRE          It was me.  I need your rent.

DOTTY           I know and I’ve scraped together everything I have.

SQUIRE          And?

DOTTY           I’ve raided both boys piggy banks.

SQUIRE          And?

DOTTY           I’ve checked down the back of the sofa.

SQUIRE          And?

DOTTY           I’ve been on

SQUIRE          And?

DOTTY           I’ve managed to come up with some cash.

SQUIRE          And?

DOTTY           So here you are, all my worldly goods.  A grand total of…

SQUIRE          Yes?

DOTTY           46 pence.

SQUIRE          46 pence?

DOTTY           And an old piece of chewing gum.

SQUIRE          What good is 46 pence?

DOTTY           I know.  I’m sorry.  I’m all out of ideas.  I’ll pack our bags.

DOTTY turns sadly and begins to walk slowly towards the house. Every so often she turns and sobs.

JACK               Mum I have an idea.  You’re not going to like it but it’s our only hope.

DOTTY           I’ll try anything son.

JACK              Instead of taking Daisy’s milk to market tomorrow, how about we take Daisy?

DOTTY           Well I’m sure she’d have a lovely time but that doesn’t really help us….No!  Jack I couldn’t.  She’s like one of the family!

SQUIRE           I can see the likeness.

JACK              She’s the only thing we’ve got that’s worth anything.  And I promise that as soon as we have the money we’ll buy her back.

DOTTY           Oh I don’t know.

JILL                 Jack’s right Mrs Trott.  It could be your only hope.

DOTTY           Oh I know that you’re right Jack.  Come on, let’s go and break the news to her. (dramatically) Oh my darling Daisy how has it come to this?

They all exit.  DOTTY is sobbing.  FLESHCREEP enters.

F’CREEP        So they’re going to sell the family cow are they?  Just to make enough money for the rent.  Soon they’ll be penniless and out on the streets when the giant confiscates all of their land.  That cow does seem like a fine animal.  I must find a way to acquire it for Master Blunderbore.  Oh he would be pleased with me.

AIRY FAIRY enters.

FAIRY             What kind if evil are you up to now Fleshcreep?

F’CREEP        Oh nothing I was merely sympathising with the Trotts having to sell their cow.  Such a sad, sad state of affairs.

FAIRY             Poor Daisy.  (to AUDIENCE) Don’t worry I’ll come up with a plan to change all of our fortunes.

F’CREEP        Oh go back to your cabbage patch you battered old beetroot.  (to AUDIENCE) Soon that cow will be mine.

He exits laughing.

FAIRY             Don’t you worry about him boys and girls.  I’ve got my eye on him.

DOTTY, JACK, JILL, SIMON and BETTY enter.  DOTTY is pulling DAISY.

DOTTY           Here’s Trotty!

AUDIENCE    She’s dotty!

SIMON           Hiya kids!

AUDIENCE    Hiya Simon.

DOTTY           Oh Daisy I am sorry.  You understand don’t you?  (DAISY nods)  We’ve been through a lot together you and me.  We’ve laughed together and we’ve cried.  Do you remember the quiet nights at the farmhouse, just you, me, two toilet duck and gins.  Love Island on the telly.  What a life we had. I promise we’ll buy you back as soon as we have the money. (DAISY nuzzles DOTTY)  Now then come here and give mummy a kiss (DAISY does).  But remember it’s not goodbye, just au revoir. (to AUDIENCE) You didn’t know I spoke Italian did you?  (to JACK) You make sure you get a good price for her Jack, do you hear?

JACK              Yes mum, I promise.

SIMON            Come on, let’s look on the bright side.  Once we’ve run out of money and hit rock bottom, the giant will get bored and move on and then we’ll be homeless and without Daisy.

DOTTY           That’s the bright side? (she sobs)

SIMON            And you’ll always have me! (DOTTY sobs louder)

JACK              Come on, let’s send Daisy off on a high.  We will get her back once our troubles are over.



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