Act One – Scene Four


Frontcloth or tabs.

FLESHCREEP enters disguised as a showman. The VILLAGERS enter and gather round. During the following dialogue JACK enters with DAISY.

F’CREEP        Gather round, everybody. I am Dr Proctor, all things to all men. A maker of magic and entertainment to all the Kings and Queens in Europe. Doctor and healer to the nobility.  Do you suffer from croop, backache, baldness or flatulence? This amazing secret recipe will cure all your ills. (shows a bottle) Removes coffee stains, warts and old wallpaper.  Dr Proctor’s amazing herbal remedy. Only one shilling a bottle. I am a professor of anatomy, physiology, chemistry…

CHORUS        And lunacy.

F’CREEP        Do you suffer from indigestion, lumbago or short-sightedness?

CHORUS        I suffer from a nagging wife.

F’CREEP        No one has ever complained that my medicine has failed.

CHORUS        No, they’re all dead.

F’CREEP        I can show you my testimonials.

CHORUS        Be careful, this is a family show.

CHILD             Have you got anything for a penny, Mister?

F’CREEP        A penny, eh? Let’s see it (the CHILD gives him the coin and FLESHCREEP bites it to see if it genuine) OK! How about a signed photo of Elton John? (the CHILD  shakes his head) or this tin whistle? (the CHILD takes the tin whistle and marches around playing it as other children follow him in a follow-my-leader dance)

F’CREEP        (to JACK) Can I tempt you boy?

JACK              Errr… No thank you. I haven’t got any money.

F’CREEP        No money, eh? Well what have you got to trade?

JACK              Nothing. Well, nothing except for Daisy, our cow. I’m just about to take her to market.

F’CREEP        Well, you’re in luck. I can save you the trouble of taking the cow all the way to market. I need a good animal to pull my cart. How much for your cow? A dozen bottles of my remedy? A tambourine? (JACK shakes his head) A skeleton? (JACK shakes his head) Now this might be just the thing for you (he takes JACK by the arm and walks down stage) Now I don’t want everyone to hear this but I think that cow is worth a lot of money.  Take this bag of gold, it will change your life.

JACK              A whole bag of gold?  Just for Daisy?  Mum will be over the moon!  Hang on though, how do I know there is gold in this bag?  It could just be a bag of beans.

F’CREEP        I would never do such a thing!  Look I’ll prove it to you.

FLESHCREEP turns round and takes one gold coin from his pocket but acts as though he has just taken it out of the bag.

See, full of gold treasure! You’d be incredibly rich!  What do say? (FLESHCREEP dangles the pouch in front of JACK’s eyes) Golden treasure!

JACK              Golden treasure?

F’CREEP        Golden treasure! Incredibly rich!

JACK              Incredibly rich?

F’CREEP        Incredibly rich!

JACK              But why would you want to help me?


JACK              What do you think boys and girls?  Should I sell Daisy to him? Should I? Oh but we so need the money.  Ok, I’ll do it!

F’CREEP        Good boy. You know it makes sense.

FLESHCREEP hands over the bag. JACK puts the gold in his jacket and unseen to him FLESHCREEP removes his hood throws his head back laughing.

F’CREEP        Stupid boy!  They’ll never outsmart me.  Now come on you silly old cow.

FLESHCREEP drags DAISY off laughing.

JACK              Oh I do hope I’ve done the right thing.  Now is the time for me to be a hero, just like the crazy magic lady said.  I must find a way to defeat the giant and show Jill and her father that I am good enough to marry her.



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