Act One – Scene Five


DOTTY is pacing up and down talking on the phone.

DOTTY           Yes I’ll have an each way on Red Rum and Desert Orchid on the nose and then an accumulator on…(spots the AUDIENCE) Here’s Trotty!

AUDIENCE    She’s dotty!

DOTTY           Sorry about that I was just, er, saving some animals.


SQUIRE          Ha! Just the lady I want to see!

DOTTY           If it’s about the starch I put in your underpants, I’m sorry. That was a mistake.

SQUIRE          No, it’s not about my underpants, but that’s the last time I let you do my laundry.

DOTTY           I only volunteered because I think you need looking after. A bachelor’s life is no life for a man of substance. What you need is a good wife to help you. Do you know, I’ve been thinking that we should get married?

SQUIRE          Don’t be silly! Who’d have us at our time of life?

DOTTY           Well there is a certain lady in the village who wouldn’t mind doing your laundry on a regular basis.

SQUIRE          I’ve not got time for such dalliances. I’m a very busy man.

DOTTY           Here, if I asked you for a kiss what would you say?

SQUIRE          Nothing – it’s impossible to speak and laugh at the same time.

DOTTY           Go on. It’s been a long time since a man whispered something soft and gooey in my ear.

SQUIRE          OK then. Rice pudding!

DOTTY           Come on! You’re just the type of man I’m looking for.

SQUIRE          What type is that?

DOTTY           Well you’re breathing for a start!  Do you know you’re so mean to me.  If you were my husband I’d poison you.

SQUIRE          And if I was your husband I’d drink it!

DOTTY           So that’s it, is it? Thrown on the scrapheap at my young and tender age.  I remember when I was young – all pink and dimples.

SQUIRE          Now look at you – all drink and pimples! Saying that, I could do with a woman around the place.  You can cook and bake I take it? I’ve heard that your dumplings are something special.

DOTTY           You saucy monkey.


GRABBIT       Excuse me sir, we need you to come quick.

LEGGIT          There’s a commotion down at the village square sir.

GRABBIT       The giant has taken Mrs Cluckers hens and there’s a riot on.

LEGGIT          (to GRABBIT)
Hey, how do giants like their eggs?

GRABBIT       I don’t know, how do giants like their eggs?

LEGGIT          Terri-fried.

They roll about laughing.

SQUIRE          Enough of this come on you too.


JILL                 Hello Mrs Trott.  Is Jack back yet?

DOTTY           Not yet.

JILL                 I hope he’s alright, it’s getting late and he’s been gone ages.

DOTTY           Don’t you worry about him my love.  He’s a big boy.  I’ll send him round as soon he’s back.

JILL                 Thank you.

I do remember what it’s like to be young and in love for the first time.

JILL                 You must have a very good memory.

DOTTY           Cheek.

JACK enters.

JACK              Hello you two.

DOTTY           Well?  Is she gone?


During which the CHORUS enter. At the end of the number SIMON and BETTY enter.

SIMON            Hiya kids!

AUDIENCE    Hiya Simon

BETTY           Did you sell Daisy Jack?

JACK              Yes I did Betty.  And look I got a full bag of gold!

DOTTY grabs the bag.

DOTTY           A whole bag of gold?  For our Daisy? Well, I’m totally flabbergasted.  My gast has never been so flabbered!  She was a beautiful animal but a whole bag of… (she looks inside the bag)  …beans?


DOTTY           Beans!

ALL                 Beans?

DOTTY           You sold my beautiful Daisy for a bag of beans?

JACK              What?  I…the salesman showed me the gold in the bag.  I promise mum.

DOTTY           Who was it?  Who did you sell him to?  I’ll find them and give the what for.

GIANT            (offstage) Fee, fi, fo, fum
                        You lot are all really dumb
Daisy’s here you stupid bunch
I’ll be eating her tomorrow for my brunch

SIMON            Oh no not Blunderbore!

JACK              Mum I’m so sorry.

DOTTY           Don’t say another word.  I don’t want to hear any more from you.  We’ve lost everything and all for a stupid bag of beans.

She throws the beans into the garden and exits into the farmhouse crying.  The CHORUS begin to exit shaking their heads

JACK              Oh mum come back.  What am I going to do now?  Simon help me.

SIMON shakes his head and he and BETTY exit.

                        Oh Jill I’ve ruined everything, I’m so sorry.

JILL                 Why don’t you go and comfort your mum, I’ll see you in the morning.

JACK              Thanks Jill.

He squeezes JILL’s shoulder and exits into the farmhouse. During JILL’s following dialogue FLESHCREEP enters.

JILL                 Poor Jack.  Whatever are we going to do?

F’CREEP        How pretty you look tonight Jill.

JILL                 How dare you come near me after what you have done to Jack.  You horrible man.

F’CREEP        You flatter me Jill.

JILL                 Give Daisy back or else.

F’CREEP        Or else what?  You’ll set your daddy on me?

JILL                 Jack will figure out a way to fix this.

F’CREEP        Why don’t you fix it for yourself?  Come with me and I’ll take you to Daisy.

JILL                 Really?  What do you think boys and girls?  Shall I go with him?


JILL                 Oh but I must try and save Daisy.

F’CREEP        She’s over there.

JILL goes to run off stage and GRABBIT enters.

GRABBIT       Not so fast Miss Jill.

She turns to run in the other direction but LEGGIT enters and grabs her.           

JILL                 Let me go! I need to get to Daisy.  Leggit what’s happening?  I thought you worked for my dad?

LEGGIT          We work for the highest bidder Miss Jill.

GRABBIT       And currently that’s him (points to FLESHCREEP)

F’CREEP        That’s right my dear.  You’re mine now and no-one can save you.

FLESHCREEP scoops JILL up and exits with her laughing followed by GRABBIT and LEGGIT.

AIRY FAIRY enters.

FAIRY             Well I never.  What a to-do! It’s time for me to shine
With my help and a little trust, things will work out fine
That pile of beans might look like nothing lying on the ground
But never judge things by how they look, at least that’s what I’ve found
My job is now to make the beans grow with a little magic dust
And I need you to help them as well, I can rely on your wishes I trust?
So close your eyes and wish really hard that the magic will start to show
And with any luck and a bit of faith the beanstalk will start to grow.


During the number the beanstalk grows. At the end of the number the DANCERS and FAIRY exit.  We hear a cock crow.  The CHORUS starts to enter.

CHORUS        What is that?

CHORUS        Look everyone!

CHORUS        It’s growing from the Trotts’ garden!

CHORUS        I’ll get Dotty.  (knocks on door).  Dotty come quickly.  You have to see this.

DOTTY opens the farmhouse door.

DOTTY           Here’s Trotty!

AUDIENCE    She’s dotty!

DOTTY           What’s with all the commotion?  Can’t a lady have a lie-in around here?

CHORUS        Look Dotty.

DOTTY           Goodness me!  Jack Trott!  Simon Trott! Get yourselves out here now.

JACK and SIMON enter from inside the farmhouse.

SIMON            Hiya kids!

AUDIENCE    Hiya Simon.

JACK              What’s up?

DOTTY           Have you been ordering from Amazon again?


SQUIRE          What on earth is that?  I hope you’ve got planning permission.

JACK              What are you doing here? (the SQUIRE gives him a stern look). I mean what are you doing here sir?

SQUIRE          I’ve come to find Jill.  I presume she’s up here with you?

JACK              No I haven’t seen her since last night.  I wonder where she is.

GIANT            (offstage) Fee, fi, fo, fum
                        Once again you’ve struck me dumb
With all of your stupidity
Jill is up here with me

Why you!

JACK              Don’t worry sir, I’ll save her.  You know what this beanstalk means don’t you?

There’ll be a lot of greenfly next summer?

JACK              I have to climb it to get to the giant’s castle.

ALL                 What? / It’s a long way / Why would you do that? / It’s very dangerous

JACK              I’ve got to rescue Jill and Daisy.  Can’t you see?  I have to go.

SQUIRE          I do have trepidations.

DOTTY           Is that why you’re walking funny?  You ought to see a doctor!

BETTY           Maybe while you’re up there you could try and get some of dad’s treasures back?  His hen that lays the golden eggs and his harp?

JACK              I’ll try my best.

SQUIRE          All I care about is my daughter.  If you bring her back safe I’ll….I’ll agree to let you marry her.

JACK              Thank you sir.

DOTTY           Well don’t just stand there!  Get climbing. But be careful Jack.

JACK              Please don’t worry, I have good on my side.

AIRY FAIRY enters.

FAIRY             Yes you have.  And that can’t be denied.
Jack be brave for I am sure that there will be lots of thrills and fights

DOTTY           But just be careful as you climb.  You don’t want a hole in them tights.

JACK              But what do I do when I get there?  What if I need to fight?

FAIRY             Take this magic sword.  It will help protect you on your plight.
So off you go and meet the giant, our adventure isn’t through.

DOTTY           (to AUDIENCE) And don’t you lot forget to come back, we’ll see you in Act Two.



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